Unconventional Enlightenment

I've been waiting quite a bit for some time now to come back home, I thought it would be exactly what I needed to make a fresh start and cure this depression. Boy was I wrong.

I've reached back only feeling more depressed and lost. I've been away from Trinidad for over a year, and my arrival back only leaves me feeling disoriented. This place feels so tucked in the past that it's almost like it was in a previous life rather than just a few years ago.

My home has been renovated and changed in so many directions, though it still carries the same warmth that only my parents can make me feel, it feels different nonetheless. So many books, cd's, objects etc. which all belonged to me have been displaced in more than a few locations in the house, and I feel no initiative to organize them back into my sentimental grouping. It's hard to believe that as I stare into the corner of my bedroom, my mattress was tucked there, and I contemplated and dreamed about everything, felt emotions, planned and so forth. This very bed I would lie in and dream of leaving Trinidad to be in a big city and being someone who I wanted to be... myself. This same bed, I layed in crying because; I wanted to kill myself or he didn't love me back. My closet on the other side of the room, where I sat in to ensure seclusion to make me feel as if I'm in my own world.

I miss Ottawa. I've accomplished making a new life for myself so well that I can't look back at this and feel the same. All my relatives and friends who are here haven't seen me in an entire year, and funny enough, I care not to see them again. I don't feel right being here. I have three more weeks until I go back to Ottawa and restart everything fresh, a new major, a new apartment etc. Surely the next time I visit here will be no longer than a week. This idea of three weeks wasn't a very good one. I'll survive.