I made some quick, wise, yet very difficult decisions recently. And I know it's for the best. But what now? In my previous years I always owned the ability to predict where I would be the year after and what I'd be doing, I once knew how to make plans for myself and stick to it. But alas... I remember once I was watching this African-American tv show called "Soul Food," and in this one particular episode one of the characters said this very amusing, yet wise joke: "How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans!"
That's one fact of life as a God-fearing individual that I've learned the hard way.
Now, lately in my life, my optimistic and pessimistic feelings toward the future have been a violently swinging pendelum on my body clock. My brain, emotions and heart are taking no rest. Anxiety finds its way into my bloodstream, and I am always a coward to confrontation.
All I can do now is do what I can do and pray for the best. Regardless, however, I still feel like one man standing in a massive, claustrophobic, bustling crowd of millions, and everyone is moving swiftly, loudly, irritatingly, everyone bouncing and shoving against me, nobody recognizes my face, and nobody cares to know it. I just feel like I am standing frozen in the midst of this crowd with tears coming down my face feeling like my collapse is coming soon.
No I won't end my life. I just wish there was a way to temporarily die and come back to life when I'm ready. I guess that's why I find so much refuge in sleep. I'm unconscious and am allowed to not think about it.
So... all I can think of right now is still: "Where do we go from here? ..."
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